Humor to Piss Off the Distaff

[db5]

Men’s Rules


We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

• Sunday = sports or doing projects . It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

• Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

• Crying is blackmail.

• Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

- Subtle hints do not work!
- Strong hints do not work!
- Obvious hints do not work!
- JUST SAY IT!

• "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question you ask.

• If you ask, “What do you think about (fill in the blank)” and I say, “I’ll think about it” that doesn’t mean I agree. I’ll think about it means I’ll think about it.

• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

• If you think those jeans make you look fat they probably do. Don’t ask us.

• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

• Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

- Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
- Pumpkin is also a fruit or something else. We have no idea what mauve is.

• If it itches down there, it will be scratched. We do that.

• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. So stop lying.

• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, REALLY.

• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

- Sex,
- Sports
- Cars
- Shopsmith

• You have enough clothes – and purses. You actually have too many.

• You have too many shoes; way too many.

• If you think you don’t have enough closet space compare your 4 with my ½ and stop trying to take over my ½.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

[charlese]

Now, That's FUNNY!:D ANDTHIS IS FOR YOU- DISTAFF-:p

[benush26]

I LIKE it!

If this list was made into a video it would go viral!!!

[joshh]

[quote="db5"]Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don&#8217]


The only thing in the world that can make a man of any age drool...

[WmZiggy]

I know a man who at a conference fell asleep during a talk given by a female who had plenty to look at. When she confronted him about his bad behavior during her presentation, he apologized, then added he always gets sleepy when he sees a "nice pair" because he was a breastfed baby.

I will let you speculate how that went over....

[Ed in Tampa]

You better hope your wife doesn't see this. You know the old adage there is a 100 ways to die. I would guess we might learn 101.

What is interesting is I read it and laughed so I read it to my wife. She didn't think it was funny.

[rpd]

Men’s Rules

• Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

This one used to bother me a lot. My solution was to put the seat and the lid down. This put us on an equal footing, ie. both of us had to make the appropriate adjustment before each use, not just me.

[heathicus]

[quote="rpd"][/LIST]

This one used to bother me a lot. My solution was to put the seat and the lid down. ]

That's exactly what I do. And my wife STILL complains about it!

[JPG]

That's exactly what I do. And my wife STILL complains about it!

Remove the 'seat' and keep the 'lid'.

[fredsheldon]

My daughter the dentist lives in Jakarta and she says that the women over there squat on the toilet seats in their bare feet rather than sit on it. She said all the toilets have foot prints on the seats.